there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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