I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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