Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
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