He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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