dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
