Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
