I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
