I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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