shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
