i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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