Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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