dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize