i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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