thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
