i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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