I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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