I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
