Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
