First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
