I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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