She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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