He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
