Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
