I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
