The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
