I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
