Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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