Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
