chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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