last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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