Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
smell my finger.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
