its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
