she looked like the bat from fern gully.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
