Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
