From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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