god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
