The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
