time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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