Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
