I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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