he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
