God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
