So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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