She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
