WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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