At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
