My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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