Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
