So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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