The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
