i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
