I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
