nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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