I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
