I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
