just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
In America we eat man semen.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
