i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
