one might say we're banned from that church
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
