my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
