It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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