Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
