4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
