i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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