Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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