My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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