..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
