My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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