Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sext me about skeletons
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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